u know what else makes me mad...?
that ur so damn happy! and i'm here, waiting for u and
u.
don't.
even.
care.
that the things u say make my heart tighten and make me feel nauseous.
nope.
u just go on doing it because it makes YOU feel better.
i'm done caring about u.
lets.
talk.
about.
me.


or not.

freakin life

i really hope that no one reads this ne more cuz i'm about to spill...to a computer...hmmm...and it would be really sad if someone actually found it.
ok so i have problems, and i get that- i really do! i know that i have problems with:
dirty rooms
drinking
being in a relationships
being a perfectionist
singing too loud in the shower
being crazy and hyper so that ppl just can't handle me
saying the wrong thing
not wanting to talk about it
no believing in true love
not trying hard enough
not feeling worthy
hurting people
saying i'm sorry
being to opinionated
so u get it...like i know they are there but seriously, its not like i try to flaunt them in front of your face cuz i think its funny-its NEVER like that. i never mean to say something stupid but oh god there it goes, flying out of my mouth and i just can't take it back. i hate explaining things, it takes too long and sometimes its just none of u freakin business. i hate ppl telling me "well it was ur fault" "um hello? no it wasn't, u did it urself not me!" but somehow it always traces back to me-i mean i get it, i'll take it, i torment myself enough so don't u go doing it too cuz i just don't need it! i've got it- i know already, i don't need to be reminded over and over again about things that happened so long ago. and what is so wrong with wanting to stay in touch with someone after ur not together??? its not bc i want to mess with u or nething but there is part of me that will always love u and care but apparently thats just weird- which kinda fits my definition. i just want the world to stop blaming me and stop FIGHTING me! i can't handle it, not at all and every time i try it just sucks and i feel like i'm getting drowned. Expect i can't tell anybody this because i am the happy one, u know the girl that you see who's always laughing and having a fun time and who has perfect grades and supportive parents and a passion but i can't take it all myself- its just too much. too bad i can't spill with anybody because nobody gets it, no body is actually willing to sit there and listen to me and help. sure- they say they are but u try and see how it works out because in my experience it just doesn't. i can't get my friends or my parents or nebody to listen. i'm obviously just supposed to not feel nething since every time i try to tell them how angry or upset or just plain helpless i feel they just turn away like THEY can't handle it or just don't want to hear it. but how is that really friendship or whatever if u can't be there for the other person? i'm here, i want to listen, i want to help, but y does it feel like the world wants me to struggle by myself.
nobody. nothing. dead. blank. falling.
its just so complicated- i feel bad enough for everything i've done but right now i just need u; i don't need someone to kiss or someone to gossip with. i need someone who will be there and listen to me scream at the world, or to cry with or just to hang out with to get my mind of things. I DON'T NEED WHAT UR GIVING!!! ur always so critical me and how i'm not giving what u want to u but why dont u think about what i need? u don't and i don't understand y. its like i'm not enough, being myself isn't good enough. i've never had nebody who's made me cry as much as u have; i did it when i lost u and i'm doing it again because u keep hurting me and i keep coming back for more. i have never had nebody who blames me as much as u, never had someone who is so self centered and i feel like u don't care. BUT I CAN'T TELL U! bc u freak and i'm done with it. i cannot do it nemore. this is taking so much effort.
but...
i can't stop coming back and it confuses me. i wish life was simple and i wouldn't have to go through this and your just making it harder by pressuring me and being so mean and blunt. it scares me how much of what u say, feel, and think affects my moods. there is no way that i can be happy if i know ur not but i just shouldn't have to go through this.
ok...i'm better...akward TURTLE....